Last Day

So we did it today, we said goodbye to our wonderful boy.
It was the worst of days.
It was raining.  We arrived at the yard and Barnaby was also in, which I hadn't expected.  I put his rainsheet on and took him out of his stable to say goodbye to Zak.  It was surreal.  They sniffed each other.  I don't know if they knew.   I turned him out and came back and John was giving Zak his last groom.  He said he wanted to put hoof oil on him.  I suddenly understood what the whole of my End of Life Care Course had been about.

We took him slowly out onto the grass.  He was pleased to be outside and munched away on the wet grass.  I just stroked him and stroked him and told him how much I loved him.

Tears were pouring down our faces.  We took his leg bandages off and he continued to munch, with the rain gently falling on his back.  Soon the vet arrived.  He looked as sad as we did.  He explained to us what would happen, how Zak would fall and so on, I'll spare you the details.
And so, the fatal needle went in and we said our goodbyes, to this most precious and gentle of boys.  He fell to the floor and I hugged him, then looked along his body and knew he wasn't there any more.  I said, "I'm done here," and went to see Barnaby for a cuddle.  John stayed with Zak and the vet.
I walked along in the rain and my body was racked with sobs.  To be honest I could have sunk to my knees in the mud and just bawled.  Then I saw the thing I really didn't want to see.  The collection truck was pulling onto the drive.  The driver looked really sad, but I knew he wouldn't know where to go unless I directed him.  I asked if he'd come to collect a horse and he said yes, so I directed him along the track to where Zak lay. 
I turned and continued on my mission to comfort Barnaby.  He was standing eating, curious about the lorry, but calm.  I gave him an apple and buried my face in his neck and sobbed.
After a while and a final hug, I left him and went back to the stables, but realised the lorry was still there and that I must not see, I must NOT see what he was doing, so I ducked through the barn and waited in the stables.  Soon John came as the vet had said to him not to watch, and we just stood and hugged and cried.
Goodbye, my velvet boy.  You were the sweetest thing, and such a good friend to Barnaby.  I am so sad that I will never stroke you again.  You were such a character and my heart aches that I will never see you again.  Goodnight, my love.
No more now.
Jane x