Last Day

So we did it today, we said goodbye to our wonderful boy.
It was the worst of days.
It was raining.  We arrived at the yard and Barnaby was also in, which I hadn't expected.  I put his rainsheet on and took him out of his stable to say goodbye to Zak.  It was surreal.  They sniffed each other.  I don't know if they knew.   I turned him out and came back and John was giving Zak his last groom.  He said he wanted to put hoof oil on him.  I suddenly understood what the whole of my End of Life Care Course had been about.

We took him slowly out onto the grass.  He was pleased to be outside and munched away on the wet grass.  I just stroked him and stroked him and told him how much I loved him.

Tears were pouring down our faces.  We took his leg bandages off and he continued to munch, with the rain gently falling on his back.  Soon the vet arrived.  He looked as sad as we did.  He explained to us what would happen, how Zak would fall and so on, I'll spare you the details.
And so, the fatal needle went in and we said our goodbyes, to this most precious and gentle of boys.  He fell to the floor and I hugged him, then looked along his body and knew he wasn't there any more.  I said, "I'm done here," and went to see Barnaby for a cuddle.  John stayed with Zak and the vet.
I walked along in the rain and my body was racked with sobs.  To be honest I could have sunk to my knees in the mud and just bawled.  Then I saw the thing I really didn't want to see.  The collection truck was pulling onto the drive.  The driver looked really sad, but I knew he wouldn't know where to go unless I directed him.  I asked if he'd come to collect a horse and he said yes, so I directed him along the track to where Zak lay. 
I turned and continued on my mission to comfort Barnaby.  He was standing eating, curious about the lorry, but calm.  I gave him an apple and buried my face in his neck and sobbed.
After a while and a final hug, I left him and went back to the stables, but realised the lorry was still there and that I must not see, I must NOT see what he was doing, so I ducked through the barn and waited in the stables.  Soon John came as the vet had said to him not to watch, and we just stood and hugged and cried.
Goodbye, my velvet boy.  You were the sweetest thing, and such a good friend to Barnaby.  I am so sad that I will never stroke you again.  You were such a character and my heart aches that I will never see you again.  Goodnight, my love.
No more now.
Jane x

Poor Zak

So we've been having big discussions all weekend about what to do with Zak.  I've been waiting for John to accept how bad the situation is.  He's been saying maybe Zak could go as a field companion, but how could he? 
1.  He won't travel in a lorry, so where would you take him?
2.  He eats so much food he isn't really suitable as a field companion.  Field ornaments are supposed to be cheap to keep.
Then John's been saying we could get on with it and keep Zak on box rest for a year, but the vet says there is no guarantee he would be rideable at the end of it.  I know we did this before but this was four years ago and Zak was a lot younger then.  By the time he came sound this time he'd be 17. 
He isn't the sort of horse that would be content with plodding round a field time after time.
The vet said his good leg is diseased.  This has come as a total shock.  We honestly had no idea.  There is just no guarantee that he'd ever be sound, just a guarantee that at some stage his leg will pack in altogether.  I can't bear to think about it.
God give me strength and give John the ability to face reality.
Jane x

Sad Day

I hacked Barnaby out this morning and we've been back down for John to ride Zak.  I'd been waffling with Jane and didn't realise John was back, quicker than expected, when Jane nudged me to look.  It took a while to sink in, but looking at Zak I could see that he was horribly lame.  He was as lame as when he originally damaged his tendon four years ago.
John said he'd been fine, he was cantering along when Zak suddenly went horrendously lame.  He'd jumped off instantly and walked him back.  Luckily he'd only gone round the farm, so he didn't have far to come home.
We put him in his stable for a while and could see his leg had really swollen up so took him out to hose his leg for a while.  I knew we had to call a vet out.  Jenny came to have a look and she soon agreed.  We phoned Chine House and the vet came in about an hour.  He said basically the tendon had gone.  You could see it was bad.  He put a bandage on it called a Robert Jones, basically, layer upon layer of gamgee and bandages, and Zak hobbled back into his stable.  The vet said he will come on Monday and scan him, so we'll see.  I think it's going to be bad.